I don’t like Music Festivals.

I’m not a boring guy, I like to have a laugh whenever I can and have as many experiences that I can fit in to my life; Music Festivals however just aren’t my jam. Here’s some of my most unfortunate experiences I’ve had at Festivals which put me off any in the future.

So I’ll start off with a pretty easy and standard reason; the weather is always awful. I am very precious and do not enjoy being cold and wet, in fact the very first Festival I went to was a wash out. I lost a shoe walking down the boggy fields and when me and my Friend decided to leave she could not start her little Fiat. It had sunk and was waterlogged. Not having anything handy to jump start it with thankfully after a few hours we found someone with jump leads who helped us push it from the sinking ground. I think we both thought we were stuck there forever; we were ready to just give up and die.

Another year I went to a Sonisphere Festival with my best friend. It was absolutely perishing cold at night where we had camped and I was shivering a lot that night anyways as I stupidly stayed out in the hot Sun all day and got heatstroke. I was more or less fitting with the amount of shivering I was doing – swear at one point I was speaking in Parceltounge.

I missed Metallica on the main stage that night, I was gutted. Anyways; my Friend had seen the headline stage by himself and was out until late (Drink also had a factor of this outcome). When he returned instead of opening the zip like a normal Human Being he just came crashing through the door completely tearing it from the walls. I was furious, it left us with a fully open entrance where the ice cold breeze was blowing in through. Five minutes later the rain started, by morning I was sodden and the tent was flooded, I didn’t sleep at all but its OK my friend was fast asleep not stirring at all… I felt like crying, so I got up to go to a Portaloo and just sat and fell asleep in there for a good hour. This stinking, dirty Portaloo with poo stains everywhere was more appealing than my tent by far.

Another thing with Festivals is why do people feel the need to throw their drinks and or cups of piss in the crowd? It’s vile. You are trying to enjoy an act on stage and you have some 7 foot giant of a man crushing next to you so that you have no space to move. If you ever go to see Cyprus Hill live my advice is don’t stand at the front like I did… You will definitely get crushed by all the bouncing and jumping people. Claustrophobia is not a good thing at a festival.

Coming back to Toilets… oh those wonderful Festival Toilets. It’s like people have a long weekend of forgetting basic personal Hygiene. The Toilet walls and floors are caked in God know what form of bodily fluids. Don’t look down the Toilet bowl as you will more likely throw up by the sight – granted that’s if you haven’t thrown up by the rancid stench.

Food and drink costs an Arm and a Leg to buy. One pretty boring burger with dry bread and Tesco sliced cheese? That’ll be £25 mate, help yourself to sauce and a massive fuck you. One Festival had a “VIP” area with a Fried Chicken stall. Like, you had to literally be a VIP just to get some really disappointing Fried Chicken. My Wife and I managed to sneak past the security guy anyway as he was talking as we were craving Chicken to be fair; my Wife inhales it. See, we do have a rebellious side from time to time.

No matter what Festival I go to there is always someone’s personal belongings being burnt or thrown around, even tents aren’t safe. I dare not take anything valuable in the worry it’d get broke, lost or stolen. Why does everyone shout “Alan” or “Butt Scratcher!”? I get the references but it gets old real quick.

I’m that sort of guy that likes to put his headphones in and enjoy music in a warm comfortable environment like the Princess I am. No more Festivals for me!

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